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Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in esme77's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
12:50 pm
today is the day
i'm calling munir and breaking up with him on the webcam. it's the best i can do. well, perhaps not the best, but it's all i can muster. i may driveout next weekend, i own him that at least. he was going to come out here, but i may tell him not too. last night i was out at martins' again and it was better than i had expected, he actually makes me laugh. i've never been with someone who can do that. munir only made me laugh when he would says things like:
Jenna: "man, that was a hard exam...I'm tired. you're going to have to cut me some slack tonight ok?"

Munir: (thick accent) "whaat? you want me to make you some slacks?"

theese were never intentional attempts at humor, and so the laughter was often only from me. "jenna, are you laughing at me?" munir's best try at humor was to tell me about funny things that 'joey' from a freinds episode would say.....to which i would often say very little. my sister said it was an ill match from the get go, same with mom. me too. i should never have gotten involved. that is what happens when you start something with the wrong intentions. i was lonely.

martin is a new breed of man for me, though i seem to ask creation for a few specifics in the man department, for the universe was testing me last night. on the table, i saw a blasted lopy wool hat, like stevens' ...then later when looking at pictures..out came a converted school bus he had worked on. ...then later mention of street preforming and his talent for juggling fire...i guess jenna has to resign to the fact that i attract a special variety of men. though never have i met someone so engaging and genuinely nice. were still getting to know each other, but we are very comfortable with each other, there is no awkaardness. it's like a fresh batch of bread....its just come out of the oven and my mouth is like water, wanting to rip into it. i want to jump in...but it's silly, and i like it.

Current Mood: mischievous
Tuesday, December 18th, 2007
9:24 am
things change
well, it's been awhile...i finished first semester.. this next one is super easy, which will be a nice break from the hell fire i am coming out of from the last 4 months. i really want my own space, wow. i realize that i have to live here another 2.5 years...in this small, ittty bitty house alongside mom and dad...they are great...but i just need some space away from them on a regular basis. there was a storm here last night, munir was over all day doing a puzzle with me. he leaves in a few days and from this time forward i will see very little of him. he wants to have children and get married. i do not. i do not love this man. he is wonderful, kind generous...he is intelligent, sensitive, affectionate---but--- he has an entirely different sense of humor, he doesn't like me hugging other men, he can't tell a good story...he doesn't read, he's by no means interested in the outdoors or the environment. i will not stay with this man. i feel a bit guilty that i know this and continue dating him...but i have no one else here..i need to hug someone and make soup for someone and play with someone's hair. i keep telling myself that he will be fine...he'll find someone else. there are always woman asking after him.. and i'm not responsible for him. i just feel nasty. he will be fine. i am looking so so so forward to moving back to sk. i have told him that this is where i want to be. he doesn't think that he can practice there..which may be a good thing. i just want my own place..some independence and friends.....friends...that is all i want. i am so lonely here. i have not a friend ...not a one. my one friend is in labrador... whine whin..

Current Mood: complacent
Monday, September 17th, 2007
8:51 am
happy
i'm sipping my peppermint tea and have a smelly spaniel on my lap. munir left yesterday after visiting for the weekend. we had a really good time. i made ethiopian food and injera...which was surprisingly good. it's taken me about 3 years to figure out how to make the stuff....but it was worth it..or so i thought. i got sick later that night and have subsequently decided never to eat eth. food ever again. arrhhh. i am in love with munir. i realized this when i saw him in my living room waiting for me on thursday. he has been in grandfalls for 2 weeks and i wasn't sure how being separated from him would be. it was awful. i missed him..his smell, his calm energy, his voice. we spent one niht out at the cabin and watched march of the penguins..it was nice and quiet. the stars were out and the water was glassy. i taught him how to build a fire in the wood stove..we had sleepytime tea and went to sleep. i'min my second week of school. enjoying it actually. there is something pleasant about not being in the first year of anything. after thses two semesters i will be half done. i want to knit a dog sweater. i miss sk. ok for now.

Current Mood: cheerful
Friday, August 3rd, 2007
8:43 am
snorkels and cats
Today it's raining. i had plans to go out snorkeling and camping but the rain sort of muddied my desire. i'm thinking about many things...all the things that i'm not doing and how i have so much time and freedom right now and i am not using my time well. i am studying and reading about tarot and having fun with that. wish i had more friends. spending every waking moment with manir, which is all i want..but when he is working during the day i miss the nut. sadly he will be leaving soon, mid august for 4 weeks and then october..for 2 years. this is not good. there will be much driving. he is triyng to get placed in bonne bay which is in the national park 1 hour north of here. this i could handle. norris point, where the the hospital is , is beautiful....so beautiful. i would move there in a second. it's paradise. maybe we will stay there, who knows. i know i could work there as soon as I graduate...might be a great place to be. remote, beautiful....good for the raising of baby wolf pups. munir is so different than me, but it's good. last night we were all over at my parent's best friends for supper...eating laughing, daves' sister was there with her 8 yr old daughter. they are from winnipeg and she is married to a kurdish man..(on the iran side). so that was interesting looking at munirs face.. I could see the pain of the mention of iran. i can't imagine what this man has seen. his brother will be in baghdad today, he left two days ago from montreal...everyone is worried. I know the day will come when munir goes back to visit as well and it makes me sick thinking abovut it. all the commercial flights landing and taking off at the one airport have flying in a spiraling pattern to avoid being hit by missiles..mmmm. it's hard for me to understand where this man comes from most days. we try to talk, but it makes him sad. he says that he will always tell me whatever i want to know...but i think that it impossible. someone who has seen dead bodies in the street and listened to the sounds of bombs and missiles over head for years...will never be able to share how he feels. we try to understand one another everyday...love seems to ressolve things. we had a nice night of eating and watching the cats and pippa play. after dessert we left to go out and find a new snorkel and mask for munir..it was pretty halarious watching him and hearing him talk with the mask on...then we headed over to tim hortons for coffee and we had fun looking at our hands and reading my palmistry book..then we toodled over to my house where we played cards with mom....munir has been winning at every card game we play..it's driving me mad..so i thought i would try to have mom play and sure enough....my mom quietly cleaned up. the guy is pretty competive...no matter what he says. i'm eating and snacking way too much these days...that empty hole feeling has been lessening...i need christine to visit with...i miss her so much. all my friends are having babies these days...they are everywhere...it's odd. it's so hot in sk. i'm glad i'm here in cool newfoundland. thta is the one opressive thing that i don't want to return too in sk. i've been swimming lots, the ocean is strangely warm these days. i keep thinking that this may be a good place to be..in terms of new weather trends. the west coast of nl.

Current Mood: calm
Thursday, July 26th, 2007
8:18 am
what to do?
Well, this summer has been pretty much a laze about festival. i am not working...just relaxing...cooking, caring for the pup. i must say i'm getting a bit bored. i'm going out swimming today, like yesterday. munir has laringitis, poor guy. i bought him a supper fancy dingy which holds 4...he is obsessed with now. the 'challenger 400' is many steps up from the 'venture 200', a peice of crap we have been using for 6 years..i think i paid 10 bucks for. i love the inflatable boat. we took it out yesterday, played in massey lake, it was great. friday we head out to the cabin for the weekend, it's going to be supppper hot. i prefer playing on the lake... in the ocean you get driven ashore constantly....but ther is more life and stuff to look at at the beach. last night we were over at the house i am cat sitting for...whatching their ginormeous flat screen magic set, a real treat....i read throuhg the dean and deluca cookbook, found some excellent recipes...yummmers. talked more about babies, whether or not to try sooner than 3 years when i'm done shcool. may start trying in a year....think mom is wondering...what is that sheila kitzinger book doing beside jenna's bed? i'm going to make some bancha tea and drive out to the cabin. it is raining lightly and is dead calm. there has never been so many whales around the shores in recent history...high numbers of caplin (small fish the whales eat) munir's obsession with sharks last week was reinforced nicely when news broke some fisher people had just caught a mako shark in a bay near us...makos are not suppose to be in these waters...but thanks to record breaking water tempertures...our florida, south atlantic maneater friends are coming to join in the fun. i have no fear...i will still snorkel and swim, makos or not.

Current Mood: content
Monday, July 16th, 2007
11:55 am
manir and love
Today, i sit alone at home. it is quiet. it's the first day i have been alone in the house for a long long time. my life has taken a sudden change of course and i couldn't have predicted it. i knew that change was on the next page...i felt it rising like a nice loaf of bread... but not llike this. i have to laugh when i hear myself say things and then have them happen. we are the creators of all that comes into being. not sure how i wove or manifested a person into my life from so far away...but i found him. i have fallen in love with a man over the past 2 months. he is from iraq and i contine to learn things about myself the more i get to know him...he is a bright mirror. he is truly a wonderful, gentle soul. he is the perfect grounding, soothing, calming, rational compliment to my airy, scattered, erratism... we are deeply commited and fit so well together it frightens me. his name is manir which means ..one who shines from within. i didn't realise how ethnocentric i was until i met this person. i continue to try to see things from a neutral prespective...but it's a challenge...we have spent days and days just sitting in front of each other talking, sharing. we are so different, yet all our differences seem to draw more interest and intrigue towards one another. we have gone beyond all the initial stages of a relastionship..we didn that very quickly and have moved on to talking about things like dirty dipers and whether the dog can sleep with us on the bed or off the bed...where we want to move and live..and when we want to start having children. this is the first time i have ever been able to do this and it's pretty amazing and settles my heart. yesterday we woke up out at the cabin and had coffee and toast out on the sun drentched deck over looking the glassy ocean and then in our barefeet went down and inflated the venture 200 on the sandybeach ( crummy old dingy from cnd tire)...we ran up and got some snorkels and masks and floated around in the water looking at jelly fish and laughing at each other in our very unflattereing masks. the water was so still it was like looking thru a glass window into another world. manir is scared of sharks and 'wild animals'...so i ferry him around on the raft..he is 39 years old...and he looks like a 10 year old boy in his glory...there are still things that i am getting used to with him...as he is with me. i keep telling him that i am the daughter of crazy hippies...i am a radical nut..stanch feminist..that i need to see him in situations that put my heart at ease....like seeing him in a girly apron in front of the stove making a nice meal (which i have many times seen)..he continues to dispel all my middle easter man qualities that i sadly assumed them all to possess...i keep nothing from him..he loves that i like strange things and talk insesintly about them...and i sit in awe while listening to all his stories ...watching his face change when he talks about the wars and how his country is being torn apart..watching how his eyes change when he talks about his family..and how he has been moving around for 10 years in countries that i can't imagine...all i want to do is hug him and love him. he is surrounded by the more warm, loving energy..he is one of the most loving, affectionate, intelligent, insightful, sensitive, humble, people i have ever met. we talked about steven and how that whole sceniorio effected me and my life...all my fears..my anxiety. there is something very liberating and freeing and comforting to be with someone who understands you..it suddenly allows you the sense that you are not alone..he can anticipate my thoughts and feelings and is the most wonderful communicator...there is no reverse psychology..no underhanded emotional punishements. he is just honest and open...he is the person i have been seeking. he is free from hate, anger ...he doenst veiw himself as a victim..he is just happy to be where he is now.. and so am i. wow. life is a crazy peice of fruit. best to be enojed while ripe..
Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
8:07 pm
yellow tulips bought by me for me..
today was nice..despite the fact that it is v-day...a most loathsome day. I had a midterm on healthy aging ...i had to write about erikson's theory of psychosocial biz in my exam and it got me thinking... in your old age you will more or less follow one of two paths..one of integrity or one of despair. you will have either lived a life you feel good about or not.. i want to make the most of this body while i still can. The skiing this winter has never been this good. it's one of the benefits of living in the middle of nowhere, there is nothing to do but enjoy what exists here naturally. the x-country ski club here is one of the best in the world. over 100 km of groomed trails, it's amazing. you can really feel that you are alone when you are sweeping across some of the wind/snow swept bogs and ridges..the woods feel like they have rarely hosted people... lots of scrubby fir and birch. one thing that i notice here is that the birds aren't friendly like the ones in Sk...they won't come and eat out of my hands.

I watched 'little miss sunshine'.. that is a really great movie...i bought some some yellow tulips after school today, they are beautiful.

...by the way christine... do i enjoy eating the fatty flippers of baby seals baked in a slimy grey gravy in a lard pastry shell...you needed to ask?

I stopped eating creatures of the land and sky when i was 11...if i could make seal-er flipper pie i would..

Current Mood: contemplative
Sunday, February 11th, 2007
7:57 pm
today was rough. i studied ate dad's homemade granola..played cards. the sun was shinnnning and i had to stay in the house..hovering over a stack of books. why is this so painfully difficult. winter carnival starts soon...that will be so-so s-o much fun. included in the vast terrain of local activities is a mens beard growing contest followed by seal flipper pie supper.... why would i ever want to leave?

Current Mood: crappy
Saturday, February 10th, 2007
3:20 pm
pad thai and carnivale
making pad thai in corner brook is so much work. you literally have to go to 5 differ. stores to get everything you need...one place for the bean sprouts..another for this and so on....so annoying. you can't walk anywhere here either...if you do you run the very real risk of getting hit by a car sliding out of control down one of the steep valley roads. there are no sidewalks here and the snow is so high that my car has long, long since disappeared. i guess i won't need it until the summer anyway. there is snow in the driveway that is now reaching 8 feet tall. my parent's car is parked in this skinny little carved out cave...it's so so so much work keeping the snow at bay. those snowflakes are a power to be reckoned with..they seem to gentle and sweet floating down...the reality of their presence is so different. crazy. oh well the skiing if magnificent..i tried studying with no success, i'm burnt out. i may have to do some winging in the weeks to come..or die. i would rather be out building a fire in the cabin and reading what i choooooose. damn. will enjoy the night, not think about anything unpleasant.

Current Mood: devious
2:22 pm
peppermint and anxiety
I have slowly gone down hill in the last week. My anxiety has come up while I have gone down..strange polarity. I have been in school full time since june and haven't stopped studying. I wonder why this has come now? Anxiety, depression.. claws its way in subtly until i feel like i have a million pound weight on my chest...I can't breath. I guess it's not just school, it's my life, the culmination of everything that i don't have right now that I feel i need..namely someone to share my life with. I realise that I will never find anyone here, Corner Brook is a place filled with people I don't really idenify with. Well...that may sound a tad mellow dramatic. I was listening to some girls in the elevator laughing at our organic chemistry prof's indian accent. I don't understand how collective isolation effects people...it boggles my mind. I'm procrastinatin..I have been looking at artworks from the 14th century on the internet http://www.ufoartwork.com/ that have what appear to be ufos in them... Last night i had some friends over. jane just got home from korea..she bought a pug and shiztu from a dog meat market... I guess I will go and make some tea.. the world is so big.
Sunday, January 14th, 2007
3:13 pm
back from the woods
I'm back from the trees. I was not kind to the snowmobiles that drove passed us on the trail, i felt like throwing large dead trees at them as they drove by polluting the still air i was so enjoying. this is good, i like writing...i guess if i have noone to talk too i can at least pretend to have a conversation with myself.. this could be a very cathartic process, the recording of all the trivial, boring stuff that precipitates from my odd mind and daily activities.

Current Mood: creative
11:23 am
jets filled with english
i am so tired of editing and making sure that everything is just so for all my papers ....that is why i have decided to say to hell with the capital here...there will be many a spelling mistake...and that is ok. i will enjoy the run on sentence, this will be streamings of thought. and what thought is ever edited or re-written? i am making espresso right now in my dad's 20 year old machine lugged back from venice. it has made countless cups of coffee for countless people, strange artists mostly. right now i am putting off my reading of biochemistry...which i kind of like..that i have put off for the past 24 hours...instead i finished the first phillip pullman book, the golden compass, which is like proscrastination gold. now i sip on this coffee and wonder if i could live out in the woods alone. i am currently living at home, going to school, studying nursing. i feel very much alone here and wonder why i choose this. it is a strange thing, when you find youself doing something in life that seems toatly contrary to what it is you thought you wanted to do. i'm eating a peice of sprouted grain toast and peanut butter with my hot delicious coffee and wondering if the flower pollen my toast was just sittingin could kill me? it's been grey here all year pretty much, today the sky is blue and clear. therfore i shouldn t be here writing, i should be out skiing or walking. there is a trail that goes down to a big lake that i love. there are old pine trees and hills. most of the trees here have been taken by the mill, so any old tree is a sight to behold. this place, newfoundland, is strange...sort of off the map. but i am watching and witnessing that old history begininnng to change very quickly. people are sniffing her out and have found her, she is now being taken advantage of. there are jets flying across the north atalntic, carrying hundreds of people directly from heathrow airport, twice a week. it is cheaper to rip down the trees here and pave roads than it is in england...it's all finished there, all done. Nl is sadly located close to england, a 4 hour flight to a place realtively untouched, something relatively unheard of. the resorts are being build now and all the land is disappearing....the white peasantry are being shuffled into action...the master econmony cracking the whip, pushing them into the stolen building sites, banging artificial towns together, in places where they are not welcome. Gates are being built, taxes are going up and the men are painting more lines and boundies...in the trees and across bodies of water. funny,this side of the island is mostly inhabited by renegade dissidents..fleeing the slavery and tyranny of the english fish merchants. ...now the english return 500 years later to 'retire'..theie old enemies are still here and still poor, but happy. these enemies were born on the same soil but had clearer minds...(genocide aside) the big resort being built right now is called humber valley, named after the river that accomodated the destruction of of the forests that lay along her shores...all the logs that were drugged along her passage ways..what a sad thing. the only thing that makes me happy is a small section of land along her sweeping curves that is not owned my the business men. it is a small section of waterfront, owned by local people, people who were born here and lived and worked throuhgh the storms and throuhg hardships.. this land sits on the opposite shore of the 'boat house' fomal dining room in the gated resort. and so allowing all the rich english folk the unending pleasure of sitting out on the deck to see, imposed on the treed hillside, the decrepit old summer trailers, strung with cheap patio lanterns, yards scattered with cheap plastic kid's toys, bleached from the sun and old car parts and rickety picnic tables lined with smiling faces, the air filled with boistreous laughter. there is a great thing here, the two sides of the river know all too well about one antoher... cheapside...crammed with lowbrow newfies, drinking cheap beer and eating canned moose, real nomads of this age...being real.. while the other side, the false aristocracy, reserved and casting cold looks, dine on out of season lobster and are no more suited for life under her banches as thier children are to play with the children across the river. thier shallow appreciation of the land they paid for is not welcome. i will never go thier.
i am waiting for my friend to pick me up..we are going togobanning. i love thesnow. i miss the prairies with all my heart. there is a spirit here that i don't understand and never will. my family and biology have been pressed into the priarie fold on this earth, i will return in 2.5 years. i will find a way to have a home there. soon. i want to love someone and there is no one here to love. only the plants and the land..only the open potential that lies inbetween everyting i can see.
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